


Robron: making amends

by baisbais



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Apologies, Friendship/Love, Getting Back Together, M/M, Making Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6207169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baisbais/pseuds/baisbais
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after episode 3rd March 2016, where Aaron tells Robert they should just be friends. Robert knows that neither of them really want this, and tries to make amends to Aaron. Lots of sexy apologies.</p><p>(My first fanfic here, so comments super, super welcome!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"All I need right now is for us to be mates."

The words kept going round and round in Robert's head. Ever since Aaron had said them, they'd just chatted normally. A bit more stilted than usual, perhaps, but about ordinary, everyday things: the weather, the pub, the weekend – it was nice; it was worlds better than where they'd been even a few weeks ago. But it wasn't what Robert wanted. It wasn't what he'd thought Aaron wanted. But it was what was on offer, and he'd take it.

All the time they spoke, Robert kept thinking of those words. All I need right now. Did that mean things would change? How long before Aaron needed something different? Mates. Well, it wasn't enemies. And Aaron really valued his mates; he'd do anything for Adam. Robert hadn't really had mates before, not close ones, and he didn't quite know how it worked.

Mostly, Robert kept thinking back to all the times he'd given Aaron scraps but no more. When he'd meet him in barns and hotel rooms, expecting Aaron to turn up whenever he was wanted, but barely saying a kind word and never letting his feelings show. Now he knew how it felt, and it had only been a few days. He loved Aaron in a way that made him want to laugh and cry at the same time. He loved him with an urgency that confused and overwhelmed him. This must be how Aaron had felt all those months – and that thought made Robert's heart leap with glee, but also filled him with guilt. How had he treated Aaron so badly for so long? And how could he make it up to him now?

"You want another, love?" Chas said over the bar – and it took Robert a moment to realise that she was speaking to him. How things had changed there! A 'love' from Chas was a big deal. It felt like he was becoming part of Aaron's family – Aaron just had to realise that.

"I will if you will?"

Aaron made an upside down smile, the sort that sent a jolt through Robert.

"Nah, I think I'll get on." He drank the last drop of his pint, clonked the glass on the bar. He nodded to Robert (was there anything he could do that didn't make Robert's heart skip a beat?) and started to walk away, hands in pockets.

Robert put out a hand to stop him, which rested on Aaron's chest. Wow. Even when they'd been regularly sleeping with each other, he hadn't felt this kind of electricity through touching Aaron. And this was through clothes. He'd got it bad.

Aaron looked down at Robert's hands and raised his eyebrows. Was he smirking, or wasn't he? Robert realised that he was constantly assessing and interpreting Aaron's feelings, becoming more and more attuned to the little signals he sent.

"…well?"

"Come on, Aaron. Mates don't just have one pint. Besides, it's your round."

Aaron was definitely smirking now.

"Or do you just take without giving?" Robert was feeling very daring, but couldn't quite believe he'd said that. But teasing Aaron was so fun. Robert grinned at him, trying to look innocent.

"I'm going to… go other there," said Chas, eyebrows raised. "This is more than I needed to know. Give me a shout if you actually want a drink. Or, better yet, ask Doug."

Aaron shook his head, but he was smiling.

"Fine. One more pint. But you're buying. You've been at least two pints worth of stupid."

"Charming." But Robert couldn't help smiling broadly, and concentrated on signalling to Doug for another couple of pints, to avoid blushing straight in Aaron's face. Which was a shame, really, because it meant that Robert missed Aaron's own little grin, which he quickly suppressed.

"So, Vic's engine seems to be working perfectly now." Robert said.

"Ha! Yeah, Adam texted. She won't stop going on about what a great mechanic you are, apparently."

"Maybe I should go and work for Cain."

Aaron snorted.

"Yeah, mate, I can see that working well."

"Didn't you hear? Me and Cain are firm friends now. We braid each other's hair and share holiday pictures."

"You're lucky he's not in here. Your face would have been rearranged by now."

Robert smiled cheekily. "And you like it as it is now?"

Aaron nodded at Doug, who had chosen that moment to turn up with their beers.

"Well, I've seen worse."

They both took the first sip of their pints, which gave Robert a chance to hide his excitement. He licked the foam off his lips.

"Seriously, though. Cain and me – we're getting on ok. How's he been with you?"

Aaron paused, and Robert wondered if he'd gone too far. They'd carefully avoided any topic or person that could lead back to Aaron's ordeal or the police investigation – which was harder than it sounded, since it was all Robert had thought about for the past weeks. And in some ways it was the whole basis of their current level of friendliness.

"You can tell me to shut up if – " Robert started.

"No, it's ok. Cain's alright. We had a good chat the other day." Aaron shrugged. "I know he's got my back, but neither of us are all that great at emotions."

Robert wondered. In the past, Aaron had been all emotions, where Robert had kept tight-lipped. Even now, Robert was more likely to make a joke, or try to show his feelings through actions, than he was to say them out loud. Take Ryan. The whole idea may have been stupid, but he'd wanted to show Aaron how much he cared – and spending a lot of money was how he demonstrated that. That was how he knew, himself, that his priorities had changed: the money had meant nothing in comparison to helping Aaron. And his bank balance wasn't even looking all that healthy at the moment. Somehow it didn't matter.

"Yeah, Cain's – well, he's like a dad to me. Him and Paddy. They couldn't be more different, but…" Aaron looked down, embarrassed. "If I could be like them, like a cross between them, I'd be happy."

You're perfect the way you are. Robert kept that sentence to himself. That wasn't what mates said, was it? Still, he hoped the sentiment was clear in the look he gave Aaron.

"You've got a lot of people who care about you."

Aaron nodded, but seemed to shrug a little at the same time.

"No, really. There's your mum, and Cain, and Paddy. There's Adam, Vic – you should hear the way she talks about you! Basically my whole house is an Aaron Livesy fan club. It's exhausting." He paused, to let the implications of the last bit sink in; that all of them were in that club.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Mind, Vic always has a good word to say about you, too."

"And that's about it! It's my own fault, but… well, family and friends haven't always been my strong point."

Robert wasn't good at acknowledging past faults. Both of them knew it.

"If there's one thing I've learned, mate, it's that it's never too late for things to change."

That sounded more hopeful. Was Aaron talking about Robert and his family, or about them as a couple? His face was hard to read.

"Do you think – look, Aaron, I don't want to rush you, I just want to know where I stand – but do yo think things can change for us?"

Aaron's jaw grew suddenly tight, and Robert could see it flexing.

"Not right now, I mean." Robert added hastily. "I just – is there – I mean, is this mates thing forever, or just until – I dunno, until –" He knew he was being incoherent. "It's fine if it is, honestly. I just want to know."

"Look, Robert," said Aaron, keeping his voice low, and biting his lip between words. "I get that you wanted to help me with your little scheme, I really do. But it made me realise – we just keep hurting each other. Well – " He paused.

"You mean I keep hurting you," mumbled Robert miserably. Aaron shrugged, not denying it.

"When you hate me, you hurt me. When you – when you like me" (he clearly sidestepped the word 'love') "you hurt me. And I know you don't mean to now, I know that. But – here we are again."

The first signs of tears were starting to show in Aaron's eyes. Robert didn't know what to say. He couldn't deny it. He thought back over the past year quickly, and the terrible things he'd done or threatened to do to Paddy, to Leo, to Chas, to Aaron himself. He barely recognised that person anymore. But even when he went the other way, and put himself on the line for Aaron, the man he cared so much for still ended up being hurt.

And when had Aaron ever hurt him? When Aaron was angry… he hurt himself. The thought made Robert feel wretched, and he desperately wanted to protect Aaron – but, in this case, perhaps the best protection was to walk away.

"I really do want to be mates. I want us to do this," Aaron gestured to the now-empty pint glasses. "But I can't do more than that. And I don't know how you can prove to me that we should."

He got up, and this time Robert didn't stop him as Aaron walked away. He didn't see Aaron turn back, hesitate, and then keep walking.

How could he prove to Aaron that they should be a couple? There had to be a way.

Robert nodded decisively. There might be. It was worth a shot.


	2. Robert gets hands on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert realises he has to change in order to win over Aaron and people Aaron loves.  
> (More Aaron coming in chp.3!)

Robert looked at himself in the full-length mirror that Victoria had put at the top of the stairs, and in front of which she was often to be found trying on that day's (or, more often, that evening's) outfit. Robert and Adam teased her that a half-length mirror would be plenty for her height, but right now it was useful for checking out how he looked.

But today there was no purple suit, no form-fitting grey jumper. None of the things he usually wore to impress Aaron, each time wondering if Aaron even noticed. No – today he was wearing, for the first time since he'd been a mechanic, a pair of coveralls. These were borrowed from Adam, and were pretty old and shabby. A faint smell of farmyard would probably never quite come off them, but at least it didn't matter if they got ruined. When he'd asked Adam if he'd lend them, Adam had laughed and looked confused. "Yeah, mate, sure. I won't ask." Thankfully Vic had been on a shift at the pub; nothing would have stemmed her curiosity.

Feeling a little embarrassed, and hoping Aaron wouldn't see him yet, Robert set out across the road, over to the vet's. He knocked on Paddy and Rhona's door, feeling a bit silly and standing as straight as possible, trying to imagine he were wearing a suit. He shifted the bag over his shoulder a little.

Rhona answered the door.

"Robert? What are you doing here?" She looked pretty stressed, and not at all pleased to see him. Robert wondered for a moment if she was going to shut the door on him. He gave her his best grin, lifting his eyebrows a little, and leaning his head forward a touch, so that he had to look up to see her. It wasn't quite flirting, but he hoped it was charming.

"Is Paddy in? I'd like to talk to both of you."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea."

Robert wasn't sure what Rhona's problem was. Had Paddy told her about him threatening Leo all the time ago – he blushed, despite himself, to remember having done something that he hated himself for now, particularly given Leo was Aaron's godson and one of the few people he'd show affection towards easily. Surely Rhona didn't know about him shooting Paddy, or about Katie, or she'd have said something?

"It's nothing bad, honest. I just need to speak to you both."

At that moment, Paddy came down the stairs – and looked surprised and perhaps a little frightened to see him. Robert would have used that fear to his advantage once. Now he just wanted to put them both at ease.

"Er – Robert – er, I mean, why – what are you – why?"

"Always so coherent, Paddy!" said Robert, beaming to show he meant well. "Look, I know I'm not the first person you'd invite around for a cup of tea and a chat, but I've got a proposition for you."

Somehow they found themselves sat in the living room, though neither Rhona nor Paddy looked very happy about it.

"Where's little Leo?"

Paddy stiffened. "W-why?" he asked nervously.

"It's just that I brought him this." Robert took a box of building blocks out of his bag. "I found them in the attic. Vic and I used to play with them when we were little. I didn't even know we still had them – but I'd love Leo to have them."

He handed them over to Paddy, and stretched his smile out even further, trying keenly to show that it was genuine. Paddy took them, but looked bewildered.

"I'm going to be honest with you both. I've done so terrible things over the past year or so. I'm not at all proud of who I've been, or how – how I've treated people."

Rhona started to speak, but obviously decided against it.

"One man has changed me. One man has made all the difference. And that's Aaron."

Paddy looked a little less nervous.

"You've been a good friend to him," he admitted. "I – I haven't been there for him as much as I'd like to – that is, as much as I should have been."

"He's an incredible person. He's the bravest person I've ever met. Hell, he's the best person I know. And a lot of that is down to you, Paddy. I know that Aaron thinks that too."

Paddy looked at Rhona, who smiled – perhaps a little thinly, but a smile nonetheless.

"He's like a son to me. Like Leo. I wish he'd always been mine."

Robert nodded. He was getting somewhere.

"Aaron wishes that too. And I hope – I hope that one day Aaron's family will be my family too."

Was that pushing it too far? It was certainly what he wanted. Not a big white wedding under a canopy, surrounded by doves, or anything like that. That wasn't their dream, either of them. But he wanted to love the people that Aaron loved. He wanted to bring their families together, in a broad mix of people who trusted and respected one another, if that were possible. But he knew it would be an uphill battle.

"That's all very well," said Rhona, obviously not convinced, "But I don't see why you're bringing Leo your old toys."

"Yeah, I should explain. It sounds corny, but Aaron makes me want to be a better person – for him. To deserve him. And I'm learning from him how to go about things. In the past I'd have thrown money at the problem. I'd have given you cash and hoped that it would make the issue go away. These – " (He indicated the blocks) "are a sign that I'm trying to do things differently. They're not expensive or flashy; they mean something to me."

"Leo will love them," Rhona conceded. "He already loves Victoria, so he'll love that they were hers."

Robert smiled and looked down at his hands. Well, it was something.

"But, I have to ask," she added. "Why on earth are you dressed like that?"

"That's the other bit of my plan. I hear you're adopting a baby soon?"

Rhona and Paddy exchanged a glance, but Rhona nodded and smiled. "I am – well, we are – very excited about it."

Robert nodded. "My parents adopted, as you know. It was one of the best things they ever did. It was also one of the most stressful – so I wanted to come and offer my help. Aaron said that Pearl's room was going to need completely redecorating – and I came to offer my help. Painting, wallpaper stripping, floorboards, whatever. I'm your man."

"You?" said Paddy uncertainly. "As in, Lord of the Manor Sugden, wears a suit everyday, Robert?"

Robert laughed. "I can get my hands dirty when I need to! And this felt more like making amends than if I'd just paid somebody to do it."

They were obviously not entirely sold on the idea. It was perhaps a little odd.

"Look, I don't know if either of you have ever done something you regret. Something you regret so much that you don't know how you can possibly start solving it."

Paddy and Rhona looked at each other. Robert could see guilt in both of their faces. He didn't want to seem like he was blackmailing them or anything like that – how his face and voice suited blackmail, and how hard it was to show sincerity instead, even when it was genuine! – but he thought it might help them understand. He knew about Rhona's addiction and a little of what she'd done. Paddy presumably had a past as well – maybe (Robert thought) that was why they'd seemed so stressed, and a little distant from Aaron. Anyway, it seemed to work. Paddy nodded.

"Ok, for Aaron."

Robert could have clicked his heels for joy.

"Yes, for Aaron. This is all for that guy."

Rhona threw her hands up. "Right! Well, if we're doing this – I'll show what needs doing."

"Great." He flashed them one more grin, but then looked serious for a moment. "And, seriously. I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I want us to start again." He held out his hand to Paddy. "I'm Robert; pleased to meet you. I believe we both love the same man – so to speak."

Paddy smiled. "Well – I – ok, yes. I'm me – Paddy, I mean – I'm Paddy."

Robert gave him a wink. "Pleased to meet you Paddy."

They walked through into the kitchen – and there, sat at the kitchen table, was Aaron. Robert started.

"Aaron – I…"

"Looking… farmy," Aaron said – but he was smiling.

"How much did you hear?"

"Everything, I reckon. So I'd best leave you to it, Lord of the Manor Sugden."

Aaron stood up, and then obviously relented a little. He wouldn't leave without giving Robert some encouragement.

"Just so you know – this is an excellent start. A surprisingly good one."

Of all the grins Robert had had on his face that afternoon, this was the widest – a grin of relief and hope. The surprise was spoiled, perhaps, but at least Aaron still knew he wasn't just doing it for effect.

Aaron nodded in a friendly way at Rhona, gave Paddy a light punch on the arm, and walked past Robert, who was still stood in the doorway. As they came level, he paused and leant to his side, to mutter in Robert's ear.

"Very hot, by the way."

And out he went, through the living room and into the street. Robert could barely wait to start helping Paddy and Rhona – and proving what he felt for Aaron.


	3. A step closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is impressed by Robert's actions, and things start to go in the right direction... what could stop them now?

In the end, Paddy and Rhona did ask Robert to leave – but only because he’d been there so long, and there wasn’t anything left to do. He’d stripped wallpaper, painted the walls, moved things in and out of the attic, mowed the lawn, and even started cleaning the windows before Paddy told him he’d done enough, and firmly but kindly wheeled him out the front door.

“The baby isn’t going to mind slightly grubby windows, Robert,” he said. “But I – we, that is Rhona and me, I, me – we’re very grateful.”

Robert shook his head.

“That’s the last time you say that, Paddy. You and I both know that I could work for ten years, and it wouldn’t make up for what I did to you.”

Unconsciously, Paddy’s hand moved over the place where he’d been shot, where Robert’s eyes were directed.

“I still can’t believe what happened that night. I’m so, so sorry Paddy. That was a different man.”

“We’ve all done things we deeply regret. What’s important is what happens now.”

“What happens now,” smiled Robert, “is a long shower.”

Paddy nodded, laughing a little. 

But, for good measure, Robert decided to go straight to the pub and offer his assistance to Chas. There was making up to do there too. And Chas was not the sort of person to turn away free labour. She didn’t ask questions; she just directed him to the cellar, to move barrels around for a couple of hours, flashing him a grin as she left him to it.

“I don’t know what your plan is, love, but if it involves carting barrels around then I’m all for it.”

Panting a touch, Robert leaned his elbows on one of the barrels.

“Oh, it’ll be worth it. I’ll be calling you ‘mum’ before too long.”

“You call me than, darling, and you’ll be in a coma quicker than you can say ‘americano’. Have fun!”

She tripped away up the steps, leaving him to some more labour, and some time to think. If this plan didn’t work – showing Aaron that he could change, and could step out of his comfort zone – then he didn’t know what would. 

Two hours later, exhausted, he was about to find out whether or not it had been a success.

As he came out of the cellar and into the bar, Robert was shining from sweat, his blonde hair disarrayed and sticking a little to his forehead. Considering that he usually spruced himself up specially to see Aaron, he was certainly feeling a little the worse for wear. But when he looked up, and saw Aaron sitting at the bar holding a pint, he grinned broadly. And Aaron was grinning too – well, the smirk that was the nearest he seemed to come, unless Adam was there making him laugh.

Aaron nodded towards him, and pointed to a second pint. “I reckon you’ve earned that, Robert.”

“I’m filthy.”

Aaron raised his eyebrows. 

“Not like that! I’m covered in years of grime from that cellar. I’m guessing nobody gives it much a going over with a duster. Not to mention paint and half a cup of coffee Paddy accidentally spilled over me.”

Nevertheless, Robert sat on the stool next to Aaron.

“Not that I’m complaining, mind.”

“Drink up and don’t mither.”

Aaron watched Robert as he took grateful gulps at the drink. 

“So, Robert… what brought this about?”

Robert set the glass down, and looked over at him. Those deep, emotion-filled eyes bore into Aaron’s, so suddenly intense that Aaron had to look down. 

“You heard what I said to Paddy. I want to… I want to somehow make up for everything. And start again. Show you what you mean to me. Without throwing money around on hotel rooms and whatever.”

“Y’know, I didn’t mind the hotel rooms part. It was the hiding and running around that I didn’t love.”

Robert looked away guiltily. It had felt so exciting to him, such a thrill. Why had he never thought about what it would do to Aaron’s self-confidence?

“Exactly. This time there’s no hiding, there’s no secrecy. I just marched up to Paddy’s door and told him that I thought you were damn perfect, and wanted to make amends.”

“I bet he was terrified.”

Robert laughed. “He was, at first. But now I think we’re good. Even better than me and Uncle Cain.”

Aaron whispered “He’s behind you,” then laughed loudly when Robert turned around in an instinctive panic.

“Yep. You really seem like you’ve bonded, Robert.”

Robert narrowed his eyes and shook his head at Aaron – but laughing himself too. Anything that made Aaron happy made him happy. That was something he’d discovered lately that was rather a revelation, for someone who’d always made sure to stay at least a few steps ahead to look out for number one.

Aaron tilted his head to the bar. “Another?”

“If you like,” said Robert, “though I really do need this shower.”

Aaron’s eyebrows seemed to be on constant springs.

“Oh – oh, not like that! I mean, unless – ”

Aaron winked, and got up from his stool. He started to walk around into the back room, gesturing for Robert to follow him – which Robert did only too eagerly. He knew that they weren’t going to jump in the shower together, and that Aaron was only teasing, but it was also a clear sign that Aaron wanted to spend more time with him, in private, away from whoever might wander into the Woolpack. He was definitely going to follow. They stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

“You can use the shower here, if you like? I shan’t jump in today, but I’ll send your new bestie Paddy up if he comes by.”

Robert wrinkled his nose and stepped towards Aaron, swaying a little as he spoke, drinking in the scent of Aaron’s aftershave. It wasn’t strong, but it was intoxicating to him nonetheless. It was how his boy smelt.

“Maybe not. Tell Paddy I’ll wait until my first choice becomes available.”

Aaron grinned and looked down to the ground, then up at Robert again, the faintest bit red in the face.

“Good good. I think – I think plan a was a solid one. Let’s wait… but, y’know. We won’t be waiting forever.”

Robert nodded happily. “I can work with that. And now, I definitely need that shower.”

“You’re telling me!” Aaron punched him softly on the arm. But he didn’t pull back with the punch was over. They were so close to each other now. There was so much tension, so much electricity between them. Aaron was looking at Robert’s eyes, then his lips, then his eyes, then his lips – darting back and forth between them hungrily. Robert realised he was doing the same. And suddenly, the moment overwhelming all the rules they’d set, they were kissing. It was feverish, but it was loving. Both knew either would stop in an instant if the other weren’t 100% committed to the action.

Robert had started to unzip his coverall – it would definitely need to be washed before Adam got it back, he resolved – and was pulling Aaron’s t-shirt over his head, when Aaron suddenly froze.

“What? What is it, Aaron? Are you ok?”

“It’s nothing. But, no. We should stop.”

“Of course, of course. Whatever you want. But – but why?”

Aaron was looking down, his t-shirt still bunched awkwardly around his neck, and he pulled it down quickly. Robert realised in an instant what he was covering, and what had made him stop so instantly. His scars. The scars that Robert (how he hated himself for it) had been so cruel about.

Robert took Aaron’s arm, and brought them down together to sit on the stairs. Aaron had those tears starting to cloud his eyes again, and was staring at the floor. It was a horrible reminder of that dark evening when Aaron had told him everything.

“Aaron. It’s ok. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. There’s obviously more we need to talk about.”


	4. Healing scars

Although Robert had said that they needed to talk, they still sat in silence for a while. No part of them was touching, but they were so close that they could feel the heat of each other. Despite the scramble to take off their clothes earlier, it no longer felt like a sexually charged moment; it was an intimate one instead. And Robert was going to have to tread extremely carefully. It was like approaching a frightened animal, he thought; the wrong move and Aaron might bolt, closing up his emotional barriers and never letting Robert in again. But if he could really, truly gain the trust of the man he loved... well, who knew what the future held?

Aaron was resolutely staring at the floor, his only movement being his fingers, which he kept interlacing and unlacing. Robert was similarly still, watching Aaron, waiting for his cue. He couldn't help remember previous exchanges on these stairs. The simplicity of "Upstairs, now", when it had all been about irresistible attraction and tearing Aaron's clothes off as quickly as possible. There, neither of them had thought for a moment about the scars - not until afterwards, when Aaron had pulled on his T-shirt immediately, got out of bed, and straight to the bathroom. 

And then, of course, there was the time Robert had said "I love you" to Aaron on the stairs, and that he'd wait for Aaron to say the same back. Had he meant it at the time? Robert wasn't even sure himself now. He'd meant it, in that he cared for Aaron and thought he was both sexy and enjoyable company. But what he felt now - it made what he felt before feel like nothing. His 'I love you' before had crumbled into insults and cruelty. This time, Robert knew he would always try to stand between Aaron and whoever wanted to hurt him. Only, of course, the scars bore testament to the person trying to hurt Aaron being Aaron himself.

"I haven't cut myself since - " Aaron started speaking suddenly, and Robert leaned forward even further; Aaron was talking so quietly as to be almost muttering, and kept looking at the ground - after one quick dart of the eyes to make sure Robert was listening. "Since you took me to hospital. I promise."

"I know, I believe you Aaron."

"And before that, it had been a while. It's not all the time. Just when things... get too much. It's a way of taking control."

"But - "

"I know, I know. I didn't say it was a good way. But I learned really early on that if *I* was hurting myself, I knew what would happen, and when it would start and when it would stop. I could control that. The power was in my hands - literally."

Robert looked at the man he loved, filled with anguish that Aaron could feel that desperate, that alone and scared. Robert desperately wanted to take Aaron into his arms and tell him that everything would be ok, but it wasn't the time yet.

"It helped after Jackson. It wasn't quite a punishment, not really, it was just... I dunno. I knew it wouldn't kill me, and it couldn't hurt him anymore. It was safe, somehow, a safe way to be violent."

Aaron wiped at his eyes, which were filled with tears at the recollection of everything that had happened with Jackson, and Robert could only shake his head with emotion.

"It feels right in the moment. I'm really trying to make sure it never happens again, but it... well, it's something messed up in my mind, I guess."

"Not messed up, Aaron. Just a response to everything you've had to go through."

Aaron shrugged, wiping away more tears. He sniffed, and laughed wryly. "I'm a real catch at the moment, aren't I?"

"You are extraordinary." Robert's eyes were earnest and wide, the words spoken with a firm nod of the head, as he spoke when he wanted to make certain that what he said hit home with Aaron. Aaron, in turn, smiled doubtfully, but he could tell that the words had made some difference.

"But once the moment is over - the scars are still there. And I'm right back to being vulnerable." Again, a quick, almost involuntary glance at Robert, and then Aaron's eyes again faced the floor.

It was like being punched in the stomach. Robert hated himself for what he'd said about Aaron's scars - particularly at the scrapyard, but on a couple of other occasions too. He'd never said anything reassuring about them; he'd been too embarrassed the first time he'd seen them, and then he had - how wrong he'd been to do it! - used them cruelly. Once and for all, he had to try and right that wrong.

"Aaron, listen." Aaron didn't move. "Look at me, Aaron." He did, for a few moments at least. "I was a f*cking idiot. I was cruel and stupid and wrong. I'm so, so sorry. I - I can't even see how I could have said those things; I was hurting and angry and... and I was terrified about how much I was falling for you. So out of control. But that's no excuse at all. What I said about your scars was inexcusable."

Aaron gave a slight nod. 

"Whatever else you're dealing with, or whatever else those scars mean to you, I want to make 100 per cent clear that they - no, listen to me - they aren't a sign of weakness, they are a sign of strength. They show that you have survived things that nobody should have to survive. They show that you are brave and beautiful."

Was 'beautiful' too much? Would the word put Aaron off, or make him clam up? Robert couldn't help that; it was precisely the right word.

"And anybody who says anything else - past Robert included - is a disgusting moron. The last thing I want is for you to feel you have to... to cut anymore - but the scars you have are nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed of. Are you listening to me, Aaron?"

Aaron smiled - and the tears were on both their faces now. More on Aaron's, whose emotions always rode so close the to surface, but even Robert couldn't help crying now.

"Thanks, Robert."

"No, thank you, Aaron. I can't believe you'd even talk to me again, let alone... well, let alone anything else. I want to work every day to show you that you can trust me, and that I'll never treat you badly again. You deserve that."

Robert unzipped his coverall and bared his own chest. He reached out to the hem of Aaron's t-shirt. 

"May I?"

Aaron nodded uncertainly.

Robert pulled it slowly and carefully off over Aaron's head. They were both topless now, but it was a moment of emotional vulnerability, not a heated or passionate one. Robert traced a finger lightly along one of Aaron's scars. Aaron shuddered slightly, but kept looking at Robert's face. 

"Aaron. You are the best, strongest man I've ever known. I'll clean your Mum's cellar every day for a year if I had to to prove it." Robert gave his lopsided grin, and Aaron smiled back. "I'll do whatever, if we can be together at the end of it."

Aaron seemed visibly to give in, and let down those walls. He put his head on Robert's shoulder, and Robert stretched an arm around Aaron's back, holding him as tightly as he dared.

"You've done enough, Robert," Aaron murmured. "I trust you. Let's do this."

"Really? You mean it?" Robert could feel the movement of Aaron nodding, his stubble rubbing against Robert's bare shoulder.

"I bloody love you, Aaron Livesy."

"That's just as well, isn't it? Cos, Robert Sugden, I love you too."


End file.
